God is a relationship for an eternity in my life, he has found me, and I have accepted. Oooh I am so glad I did it…Because through him I’ve met Philips which had saved my life in every single way.

Let’s put it this way, “Philips is a relationship that I never want to walk away from.” However, it all started three years ago after a birth of my youngest child Malawi, besides being named after an African Country, her name also means “one of the warmest hearts of Africa”.

When I found out I was expecting Malawi I felt confused, scared…  weeks were passing by I realised that I was pregnant alone this is because dad was a student at Portsmouth University four hours away from where we live, I started to panic about it… thinking that I having two young children already, so I called my friend Alicia and the first question was HOW DO YOU DO IT? I only understood her situation when I was already on it putting myself on her shoes “I felt like a single Mum” and her response was you are a strong woman you will find your way.

her response was you are a strong woman you will find your way.

Therefore, from that moment first thing first I started to accept the fact that I was going do it alone and that he was not going to be around and possibly miss the birth which he did. From the first appointment, scan, even registering her… Praying to God to give me strengths and along the way, I started to feel more confident about the whole situation.

A Month after her birth dad came home for summer holidays from the second year of his degree, I remembered feeling very excited about it all, that my family are going to be a whole again with the new addition to the family… and we are going to support each other as we did in the past, but it did not happen …so he went back to continue his degree and used to come home for weekends and holidays breaks from his course.

I found myself parenting all alone with times and I started to feel down constantly and always in low mood; I decided to go back jogging at a local park in January the following year, but there was no change to my feeling.

Thinking that it was the implant (contraception method), so I’ve I made the decision to take it off, change it the birth control pills, couple months after I realise that is I was actually depressed… and I kept it from everyone even him because I did not want disruption and worry him while doing his degree,  to the health visitor.

I felt ashamed and afraid of being judged, to my sisters and best friend, Lucia. Because I did not want them think, I was weak and they would feel sorry for me and that would’ve made me feel sorry for myself which would made me weaker to fight against it all, to my children’s school/community I was scared that they get the Social services involved.

All those thoughts playing in mind and at the same time I was also beating myself with negativity such as I do not have a career, working as cleaner, that I do not contribute enough to society, low self-esteem and confidence as a woman and also I was avoiding people etc.

There were moments that I had stopped going to church because I thought that when people looked at me they could’ve seen how sad and vulnerable I was, as couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I didn’t like what I used to see.  I also had plenty of time to feel this way as I was on maternity leave…

“I need me before everyone else”.

I can remember that there was only one thing standing in me and that was how to be a mum to my children, and I hold on to that. But the wake-up call was when they started to complain that I do not smile anymore, that I do not play with them anymore or take them to the park to play…

I put into my head and thinking that I had to do this FOR ME in order to rescue myself, because in my thought I was saying as long I will be fine so are my children, so I continue with the jogging for my mental stability and later I’ve created an exercising routine.

Luckily, I remembered the techniques I have learned at “The Think Positive Group”. It was a basic support group for parents at the girl’s school ran once a week by Debra invited by the school family support worker at the time, Andrea. Debra gave us the choice to choose a name for the group and we all agreed to call it The think positive.

Debra had taught us that we hold the power of our minds and to choose what think… To make a list of positives and the negative and by doing so we realised that there are more positives in our lives than negatives…

However I’ve started to use those techniques, everything that I used to take for granted, I’ve decided not to from the moment I get up the bed thanking God for life and health to the wind blowing on my face, the tweet of a bird, a smile and greeting from the ones I know and from strangers.

Therefore ever since it was a positive results from using all of those methods such as the jogging, exercising, the thinking positives skills, it was time to face myself and for that I had to look into my eyes through the mirror and see deep down my soul

I start the Mirror Talk Technique.  Why mirror talk because when we go through problems in our lives, we find it difficult to face the person that upset us or the person we upset, so it the same with ourselves… As we avoid looking in the mirror and if we do, we don’t really look deep inside, this is because we are afraid to what we about to see and we are not going to like when we see it.

The mirror talk had helped me immensely by talking to myself telling positives things to my own self looking through me inside my eyes telling that I was brave, that I had been blessed with life, a family of my own with three beautiful daughters, that I have friends and relatives around me.

Moreover as I could not live my own happiness at the time, so I was happy with the other people happiness, with Gabriella been accepted in school nursery and Malawi going to private nursery late September that year.

I have decided to help those who needed help in other to keep my mind occupied from the negatives thoughts and seen the person that I’ve helped happy by achieved what they wanted it made me happy and fulfilled.

I started to still hugs from people especially my children, the teacher from children school families and friends, “The Stilling hugs technique”, this technique helped and brought me comfort without really saying what I was going through.

Knowing how vulnerable I was I made a prayer to God supplicating him not lead me to any other men, not to lead me to nights out clubbing, not lead me to drugs and alcohol because I only want to focus on my daughters. Once you use or choose to use them to forget or to feel better about your sorrow and agonies on the way out you already caused some damaged to yourself and your children…

PS: seek for professional help if can’t overcome it by yourself…